John and Mary visit their pastor for
marriage counseling. The pastor gets up and hugs Mary, and sits down. He gets
up and hugs Mary a second, and third time, and then turns to John and says, "See
that, John. Mary needs that EVERY DAY! " John replies, "Well, that's
fine, Pastor. But I can't bring her over here except on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
guys were fishing in a lake one day, when an angel appeared in the boat.
When the three
astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked the angel
humbly, "I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the
Vietnam War... Could you help me? "
the angel said, and when he touched the man's back, the man felt relief for the
first time in years.
The second guy who wore
very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving. He asked if the
angel could do anything about his poor eyesight.
The angel smiled,
removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the
water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.
When the angel turned to
the third guy, the guy put his hands out defensively -- "Don't touch me!
" he cried, "I'm on a disability pension. "
lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship.. : An old lady was
standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight, so that it
would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached
her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did
you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?
"Yes, I know,"
said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat. "But, madam,
you must know that your privates are exposed! "said the gentleman in
The woman looked
down,then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down
there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday! "
A small boy was asked by
his teacher, "What is the size of the Democratic Party? "
"About 5 feet 2
inches," he replied promptly.
exploded the teacher.. "I mean, how MANY members does it have? How did you
get 5 feet 2 inches? "
replied the boy, "my father is 6 feet tall and every night he puts his
hands to his chin and says.. "I've had it up to HERE with the Democratic
went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor
prescribed some pills, but they didn't help. On his next visit the doctor gave
him a shot, but that didn't do any good. On his third visit the doctor told the
man to go home and take a hot bath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was
to throw open all the windows and stand in the draft. "But doc,"
protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia. "I
know," said his physician. "I can cure pneumonia. "