Ethnic jokes for the weekend

Abe was well known for his meanness and his ‘eye for a bargain’. One day he was looking for a cheap wedding present for his niece, so he went into a gift shop in Golders Green. As he was walking around, he noticed what was previously an expensive glass crystal vase lying in the corner. It was in 3 pieces. After some haggling with the owner, Abe bought the broken vase for £1. 

He then filled in the congratulations card, wrote out his niece’s name and address and gave the owner a further £10 so that the broken vase could be gift wrapped and posted. 

Abe then left the shop feeling quite pleased with himself. He expected his niece to think the vase had broken in the mail.

A few days later, he rang his niece to see if the present had arrived.
“Yes, Uncle Abe, but unfortunately, it was in 3 pieces when it was delivered.”
“What terrible luck.” said Abe, “The Royal mail is getting worse all the time.”
“It’s a shame,” she replied. “It was so beautifully wrapped. Each piece separately.”

Three guys, one Chinese, one French, and one Mexican wanted to watch the Olympics but didn't have any money to buy tickets. The Chinese guy suddenly got an idea and went home to fetch his bicycle.

He rode up to the security guard at the gate and yells, "China, bicycling! Hurry, let me in, I'm late!" The guard, not wanting to jeopardize his job, lets the Chinese guy through.

Seeing that this idea worked, the French guy runs home and grabs a long pole and runs back to the security guard and yells, "France, pole vaulting! Let me in, I'm late!"   The security guard lets the French guy through.

Seeing how great their ideas were, the Mexican runs home and grabs a chain link fence, wraps the fence around his body and hops up to the security guard and yells, "Mexico, fencing!"

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered,"

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians.
Everything inside them is color-coded,"

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers.
They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon, Dr. Morris Fishbein, shuts them all up when he observes: "The French are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls and no spine. Plus the head and ass are interchangeable."

During his visit to the USSR, Nixon was intrigued by a new telephone capable of connecting with hell. He spoke briefly with the devil, and the call cost him 27 cents. When he came back home, he found out that this same service was now available in the US too. He tried it again and received a bill for $12,000. Nixon was distressed.
- How come?! The same call only cost me 27 cents in the USSR.
- Well, said the operator. Over there it is a local call.