4 Jokes for the weekend

Preacher decides to skip Sunday services and go to the golf course to hit a few...
When he gets there, he discovers there isn't anybody else around, and he has the entire course to himself..
But he does have witnesses...Seems God and Jesus are keeping an eye on him, and they don't approve of his church hooky-playing..
"Look at that guy," Jesus says, "He should be in church instead of out there. C'mon, Dad, let me hit him with a lightning bolt or something."
"No," God says, "I've something else in mind for him. Watch what happens when he makes his next shot."
Guy sets up a ball, drives it off the tee-It sails 200 yards and lands squarely in the hole.
"What kind of punishment is that, Dad?!" Jesus yells, "That has to be one of the greatest golf shots in history!!"
"That's right, son, indeed it is....and because he's alone, he can't tell anyone about it."

A new business was opening, and one of the owner’s friends sent flowers for the occasion. But when the owner read the card with the flowers, it said. “Rest in Peace”
The owner was little upset and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist about the obvious mistake, the florist said, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rater than getting angry, you should imagine this: Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, “Congratulations on you new location.”

A brilliant young boy was applying for a job with the railways. The interviewer asked him: "Do you know how to use the equipment?"

 "Yes", the boy replied.

"Then what would you do if you realized that 2 trains, one from this station and one from the next were going to crash because they were on the same track?"

The young applicant thought and replied "I'd press the button to change the points without hesitation."

 "What if the button was frozen and wouldn't work?"

"I'd run outside and pull the lever to change the points manually"

"And if the lever was broken?"

 "I'd get on the phone to the next station and tell them to change the points," he replied.

"And if the phone was broken and needed an electrician to fix it?" The boy thought about that one.

"I'd run into town and get my uncle"

 "Is your uncle an electrician?"

 "No, but he's never seen a train crash before!"

A Doctor at a health conference said “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be destructive, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?” After several seconds of silence, a 70-year-old man sitting in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding Cake.”