Some humour for the weekend

Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when an angel appeared in the boat.

When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked the angel humbly, "I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War... Could you help me? "

"Of course," the angel said, and when he touched the man's back, the man felt relief for the first time in years.

The second guy who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving. He asked if the angel could do anything about his poor eyesight.

The angel smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.

When the angel turned to the third guy, the guy put his hands out defensively -- "Don't touch me! " he cried, "I'm on a disability pension. "

A man from the city is out plowing his field and gets his tractor stuck in the wet ground. A farmer driving by stops his truck and walks to the fence to call over the city feller. “You need a mule to plow such wet ground he says.

"Where can I buy one? " he is asked.

“Well, I just happened to have one for 100 dollars” he says.

"I'll take him," says the other man as he counts out the money.

“I can't bring him over today. I don't work on Sunday morrow OK? "

“Sure. "

The next day the truck pulls up and the old farmer gets out. He says, "Sorry, bad news. I went out after breakfast and the mule was dead. “

The city feller says just give me my money back then.

"Can't, spent it already! "

“Well... unload the mule then. "What you gonna do with him? "

“Raffle him off! "

“Naw, you can't raffle off a dead mule! "

“Just watch me! “City fellers know a few tricks.

One month goes by and the city feller and farmer run into each other at the barber shop.

"What did you do with that dead mule? "

“Raffled him off, sold 100 tickets at two dollars each and made 98 dollars profit. "

“Didn't anyone complain? "

"Just one guy so I gave him his two dollars back! "

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"

"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone." "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these."

The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.

“I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time."

Instantly, Little Johnny coughed his onto the floor and shouted,

"Quick! Spit'em out! They're assholes!"

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!" Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad. Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her. Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"

Weekend jokes

An eye-doctor was having his 40th birthday, and gathered lots of friends and family in his house. His wife had made him a surprise cake, and led her husband blindfolded to a table where the cake was placed. Eagerly the doctor removed and looked down on the cake, and immediately burst into a crazed laughter, for there in front of him was a huge cake, with 40 marzipan eyes!

The guest, asked him why he laughed, and after some minutes of laughing and wiping his eyes, the doctor said:"I'm just thinking of my buddy who will be 50 next week, who is a gynecologist! "

An old woman came into her doctors office : An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do? "Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and comeback and see me in a week. "Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself? ". "Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing. "

There was a costume party at a mental hospital... : There was a costume party at a mental hospital; the theme of the party was "war ". The first person comes up onto the stage and says, "I'm an atomic bomb. " He gets his applause and steps down. The second person comes up and says, "I'm a hydrogen bomb. " Again, there's applause and he steps down. And then a naked little man comes up to the stage and says, "I'm dynamite. " Everybody runs away hysterically. When one of them is asked why, he says, "Didn't you see how small his fuse was? "

A young, ruthless executive died and went to hell. When he got there, he saw one sign that said Capitalist Hell, and another that said Socialist Hell.

In front of the Socialist Hell was an incredibly long line, while there was no-one in front of the Capitalist Hell.

So the executive asked the guard, "What do they do to you in Socialist Hell? "

They boil you in oil, whip you, and then put you on the rack," the guard replied.

"And what do they do to you in Capitalist Hell?”

"The same exact thing," the guard answered.

"Then why is everybody in line for Socialist Hell? “

"Because in Socialist Hell, they're always out of oil, whips, and racks! "

Let's crack some jokes for the weekend!

There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. 
Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan! "
After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan! "
And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan! "
The driver was a little annoyed, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. 
The fare was US$300.
The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive! "
There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan! "

A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager "How much is that new Barbie in the window? "

The Manager replied, "Which one? We have -'Barbie goes to the gym' for $19.95...'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95...'Barbie goes shopping for $19.95...'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95...'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95...and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00.

"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95? " Dad asked surprised.

Simple... "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture. "

A well respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend. "I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious? "

“Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already! "

A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee. On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone - "Get me a coffee, quickly! "

The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?

"No," replied the trainee.

"It's the CEO of the company, you fool! "

The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!

"No. " replied the CEO indignantly.

"Good! " replied the trainee, and puts down the phone."

Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess?
A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit. " 
A schoolteacher says: "We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it right. "
An airline stewardess says: "Just hold this over your mouth and nose, and breath normally. "

Husband & Wife Jokes

A woman writes to the IT Technical support Guy

Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5..0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5..3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,

Reply From Tech Support:

DEAR Madam,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1.

Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Looks 7.7.

Good Luck Madam!

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to form two queues -- one line for the men that dominated their women on earth, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

The next time God looked, the women are gone, and there are two lines. The line for the men who were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who dominated their women there was only one man.

God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

A "Husband Shopping Centre" was opened where a woman could go to choose from among many men, to be her husband. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place. So, a couple of girlfriends go to the place to find men.

First floor, the door had a sign saying: "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and say: "Well that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they go.

Second floor says: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking". "Hmmm", say the girls, "But, I wonder what's further up?".

Third floor: "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow!" say the women. "Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up!" And so again, they go up.

Fourth floor: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me. But just think!?!?! What must be awaiting us further on!" So up to the fifth floor they go.

The sign on that door said: "This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping and have a nice day!!"

Let's add some spices this week ...

Bob, and his friend Joe went out hunting. This was Joe? s first time ever hunting, so he was following Bob’s lead.

Bob saw a small herd of deer and told Joe to stay in the exact spot he was and to be quiet!

After a few minutes, Bob heard a loud scream. He ran back and asked Joe what had happened.

Joe said, "There was this snake and he slithered across my feet, but I never screamed. Then there was this bear that came up to me and snarled, but I never screamed. "

"So then what did make you scream," Bob asked, exasperated.

"Well," Joe continued, "two squirrels crawled up my pants and I overheard them say, "Should we take them home or eat?em now? "

An old man and an old woman were sitting at the breakfast table on the morning of their 50th wedding anniversary.

The old man said,"You know, 50 years ago, we were probably sitting here buck naked. "

The woman said, "Why don't we try that again? " So they stripped and sat down at the table again.

Soon the old woman said, "Honey, my boobs are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago. "

The man replied, "Of course they are dear, one's in your oatmeal and the others in your coffee! "

A rather senile old lady went to her doctor complaining of draining and a feeling of fullness in her ear. After the examination, the doctor initiated a conversation that went as follows:

D: Why madam, I think you have a suppository in your ear.

L:?eh?

D: Madam - You have a SUPPOSITORY in your EAR!L:??EH??D: (shouting) --IN YOUR EAR! -- A SUPPOSITORY!!!

L: Oh, thank Goodness - now I know where I put my hearing aid....

A couple married forty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road.

The woman said, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years ago. "

The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, and he immediately jumped her bones like a bass on a june bug. They made love like never before.

Back in the car, the guy says, "Darlin', you sure never moved like that forty years ago--or any time since that I can remember! "

The woman says, "Forty years ago that goddamn fence wasn't electrified! "

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened a box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing? " his mother asked. "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the Boy explained, so "I'm looking for the seal! "

Keep the weekend fun going!

John and Mary visit their pastor for marriage counseling. 

The pastor gets up and hugs Mary, and sits down. He gets up and hugs Mary a second, and third time, and then turns to John and says, "See that, John. Mary needs that EVERY DAY! "

John replies, "Well, that's fine, Pastor. But I can't bring her over here except on Tuesdays and Thursdays. "

Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when an angel appeared in the boat.

When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked the angel humbly, 

"I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War... Could you help me? "

"Of course," the angel said, and when he touched the man's back, the man felt relief for the first time in years.

The second guy who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving. He asked if the angel could do anything about his poor eyesight.

The angel smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.

When the angel turned to the third guy, the guy put his hands out defensively -- "Don't touch me! " he cried, "I'm on a disability pension. "

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship.. : An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight, so that it would not blow off in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?

"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat. "But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed! "said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down,then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday! "

A small boy was asked by his teacher, "What is the size of the Democratic Party? "

"About 5 feet 2 inches," he replied promptly.

"NO! " exploded the teacher.. "I mean, how MANY members does it have? How did you get 5 feet 2 inches? "

"Well," replied the boy, "my father is 6 feet tall and every night he puts his hands to his chin and says.. "I've had it up to HERE with the Democratic Party! "

A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help. 

On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good. On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot bath. 

As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all the windows and stand in the draft. 

"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia. "I know," said his physician. "I can cure pneumonia. "

Have a Happy Weekend!

An offender was brought to trial before a judge.

The judge asked him; What is the crime you have committed?

The offender said; I went shopping too early during the New Year.

The judge said; This is not a crime! Is there a mistake; perhaps? So how early did you go shopping?

He answered; The shop was not yet open for business; and I was already inside.

A patient said to his doctor; Doc; please give me something that will stimulate me; excite me; and put me in a; very; very highly stimulated spirit; a fighting; excited spirit.

So the doctor said; Don`t worry; take this; and after you see the bill; you will have all these feelings.

A father of five children came home with a toy; summoned his children and asked which one of them should be given the present.

Who is the most obedient ; never talks back to Mother and does everything he or she is told? He inquired.

There was silence; and then a chorus of voices: You play with it; Daddy!

Judge: I don`t understand why you broke into the same store three nights in a row.

Prisoner: Well; Your Honor; I picked out a dress for my wife; and I had to change it twice because she didn`t like the style.

One night a hotel caught fire; and the people who were staying in it ran out in their night clothes.

Two men stood outside and looked at the fire.

Before I came out; said one; I ran into some of the rooms and found a lot of money. People don`t think of money when they`re afraid. When anyone leaves paper money in a fire; the fire burns it. So I took all the bills that I could find. No one will be poorer because I took them.

You don`t know my work; said the other.

What is your work?I`m a policeman.

Oh! cried the first man. He thought quickly and said; and do you know my work?

No; said the policeman.

I`m a writer. I`m always telling stories about things that never happened.

What`s your name?A very strict officer was talking to some new soldiers whom he had to train.

He had never seen them before;so he began:My name is Stone; and I`m even harder than stone;so do what I tell you or there`ll be trouble. Don`t try any tricks with me; and then we`ll get on well together.

Then he went to each soldier one after another and asked him his name.

Speak loudly so that everyone can hear you clearly; he said; and don`t forget to call me `sir`.

Each soldier told him his name; until he came to the last one.

This man remained silent; and so Captain Stone shouted at him; When I ask you a question; answer it!

I`ll ask you again: What`s you name; soldier?

The soldier was very unhappy; but at last he replied.

My name is Stonebreaker; sir. He said nervously.