2014年9月20日 星期六

Some humour for the weekend


Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when an angel appeared in the boat.
When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked the angel humbly, "I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War... Could you help me? "
"Of course," the angel said, and when he touched the man's back, the man felt relief for the first time in years.
The second guy who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving. He asked if the angel could do anything about his poor eyesight.
The angel smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.
When the angel turned to the third guy, the guy put his hands out defensively -- "Don't touch me! " he cried, "I'm on a disability pension. "






A man from the city is out plowing his field and gets his tractor stuck in the wet ground. A farmer driving by stops his truck and walks to the fence to call over the city feller. “You need a mule to plow such wet ground he says.
"Where can I buy one? " he is asked.
“Well, I just happened to have one for 100 dollars” he says.
"I'll take him," says the other man as he counts out the money.
“I can't bring him over today. I don't work on Sunday morrow OK? "
“Sure. "
The next day the truck pulls up and the old farmer gets out. He says, "Sorry, bad news. I went out after breakfast and the mule was dead. “
The city feller says just give me my money back then.
"Can't, spent it already! "
“Well... unload the mule then. "What you gonna do with him? "
“Raffle him off! "
“Naw, you can't raffle off a dead mule! "
“Just watch me! “City fellers know a few tricks.
One month goes by and the city feller and farmer run into each other at the barber shop.
"What did you do with that dead mule? "
“Raffled him off, sold 100 tickets at two dollars each and made 98 dollars profit. "
“Didn't anyone complain? "
"Just one guy so I gave him his two dollars back! "






Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"
"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone." "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."






A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these."
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.
“I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time."
Instantly, Little Johnny coughed his onto the floor and shouted,
"Quick! Spit'em out! They're assholes!"




While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!" Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad. Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her. Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"